take that Kafka!

After an eight year struggle with the bureaucracies of the New Jersey, New York and Connecticut DMVs, I am now legal to drive.

Soccer mommydom here I come!

Please don't assume that I'm a drunk driver or other derelict. My great sin was going to the store to get a birthday present for my then fiance (now an ex, thank God!) while I was sick with the flu. I fainted while in line to pay for the gift and the checkout clerk called an ambulance while I was still out cold. This was back in 2000 and I was living in New Jersey at the time.

A word to the wise: If you happen to faint in public and aren't actually dying, never, never let an ambulance cart you away. The medical authorities are legally required to report any fainting incident to the DMV. The DMV then follows up with your doctor to find out if you are ok to drive. In an ideal world your doctor would promptly send the DMV a form back, clearing your name. I've learned, however, that when dealing with the DMV and the medical profession, you assume for an ideal world at your own risk.

My doctor was moving to the UK. Once he was gone for good, his office failed to follow up and send the DMV the form that could clear me. Before I was even aware what was going on, they had suspended my licence. To get it back I had to pass a medical review.

I failed the review. The tilt table test was my downfall. A close cousin to the dunk test for witches, the tilt table test involves being strapped to a table that is tilted back and forth like an amusement park ride. If you faint you fail. I fainted in the first 30 seconds causing the technician to later exclaim, "I think that was a new record! You're a fainter all right!". Um, thanks.

Since I'd failed, I could only prove myself worthy of a licence if I was able to provide the DMV with forms filled out by a doctor indicating that that I had not fainted for a year and was deemed safe to drive. Not only did that mean waiting a year, it meant tracking down a doctor that was not afraid of getting sued if I ended up having an accident. This of course is impossible.

After many doctors and many fruitless attempts, I was able to trick a particularly flighty physician into filling out the paperwork for me and clearing my good name (this good doctor would also give me a Rx for any medication I requested, no questions asked. If you give me twenty bucks I'll give you her name.) Anyway, I excitedly submitted this precious paperwork to the New Jersey DMV.

My name was cleared! I no longer had a suspension!

There was only one problem. I now lived in New York. New Jersey was obligated to report my "condition" to New York and New York required different paperwork proving I wouldn't faint behind the wheel and endanger their good citizens. My doctor was flighty, but not that flighty. When I came back to her with a new set of papers the red flags went off. She would fill them out, but only if I passed a medical review.

You guessed it, the tilt table test!

This time I demurred. Failing that test would mean at least another year of waiting and I didn't have much hope that I'd pass. After all, last time I'd set a record. Plus I was a New Yorker and didn't really need to drive anyway.

Turns out I should have tried my luck with the test. Time passed and I procrastinated in my search for a new naive (or just nice) doctor. In the meantime, my licence expired. To drive I would have to now retake the driving test as well. Accepting defeat, I lived as a happy New Yorker for many years, very little inconvenienced by my lack of licence.

Then I met and married a wonderful man who swept me away to Connecticut and to a new struggle with the DMV. In Connecticut you really do have to drive to get by.

As luck would have it, the Connecticut DMV considered a cleared medical suspension in New Jersey to be good enough for them. No tilt table test needed!

Now I just had to pass the driver's test. Easy, right?

Well I hadn't driven for eight years. Lets just say I was rusty. Plus I was stupid. I attempted my first test using my husband's little red stick shift. I'm decent at stick shift, but in retrospect I didn't stand a chance to pass. I failed in the first two minutes. I never even made it out of the parking lot. The tester had me back up into a parking space that was at an odd angle and on an incline. First I stalled and then I revved way, way too fast.

Take two was even more pathetic. We borrowed a automatic car. Problem was it was out of state and we brought the wrong paperwork. Oh yeah, we also showed up on the wrong day. They didn't let me take the test at all. Opps!

The third try was the charm. My tester, the nicest man in the world, declared me to be "an excellent driver, but a nervous Nelly".

"You seem pretty happy to have passed", he observed.

He had no idea.